Stuck at the doorway

I am here, not moving because I have nowhere to go. It feels like those times when you walk out of your house, standing at the doorway not knowing where you are heading to. Lost. Ever been there? You had plans earlier but something happened and you can’t execute it. You got to wait until it’s over, that something. You waited an hour, but you’re not moving anywhere. It keeps going on.

Rushing and Regrets

Only yesterday I was reminded again about how we tend to rush into things. Do you rush into buying a product because of a promotion? Rush into thinking the Arts stream is for you, ruling out the Sciences? Rushing into a relationship because he/she is the “one?” Did you ever regret it?

I have plenty of experience when it comes to rushing and regrets. As of right now, I am not too sure if my boyfriend is the right one to marry. My parents don’t really agree and I do have some unresolved anxieties about it. I prayed about it before and at the end of it all, I did have the peace but I wonder if it is God’s or a feeling I made up because I want to be with him so badly.

When we bake without fully looking into the details, we end up mixing in the wrong ingredients at the wrong time, in the wrong amount so we end up not getting a cake we want or expect. I do that plenty with cakes. And I wonder if I am doing the same with my life. As of right now, there are lots to think about and plan instead of just focusing about whether this is the right man to marry. I got to think about whether I am going to have a career in my major or go into crafts or baking. You see, I didn’t really think it through before pursuing my honours degree. I did it because I could do it and there aren’t anything else that I think I could or want to do at the moment. I rushed it because I ‘need’ to continue my studies right on after my secondary studies.

Haven’t been in touch with God for a long time and the outcome is that I just decide on things based on my own understanding and expectation. I need Him and His wisdom right now. He is Omnipresent (all-present) so He would know where I can and will be 20 years down the road. He is Omniscient (all-knowing). He is Omnipotent (all-powerful). He is a Great God and I should know better that I can trust Him with my future; my career, my family and my health.

A Loss For Words

A Loss For Words.

I know that people know that teachers are underappreciated, but I don’t think they have any idea why.  It isn’t because we don’t get paid enough.  I knew I wasn’t going to get rich off of being a teacher.  It isn’t even because kids occasionally call me a bitch or stick gum under a desk so that I get a nice wet surprise when I tidy up the room at the end of the day.  The thing that gets me is that I go home and because I don’t tell these ALL TRUE stories all the time, people feel hurt and confused when I ask for a few minutes to just sit and stare or to playRockBandor go for a run.  Of course I don’t want to lose my job every year.  But what really would be great is EVERYONE would take a step back and recognize that being cut off in traffic isn’t a crisis.  We don’t need to talk about how it made you feel.  Of course you’re angry.  Having a disagreement with someone at work isn’t all that urgent.  Life is MORE.  Part of the reason that people my age and (probably Americans in general) face discontent is that we talk about things that are insignificant as if they are ENORMOUS.  We talk instead of listening.  We talk instead of laughing.  We talk istead of singing.  We talk instead of playing.  We even talk instead of being still and knowing God – knowing that HE IS.  We talk.  We talk.  We talk.  We talk.  And no matter how we convince ourselves that we’re outgoing and extraverted and that we love people… WE NEED TO BE SILENT BEFORE GOD SOMETIMES.  We need to be silent before other people sometimes.  We need to be silent before tragedy and loss.  We need to be silent before blessings and joy. I started this entry feeling like I was at a loss for words, and I ended the entry ranting about how we ought to quit word-vomitting and BE STILL.

I love the above para from Kathryn. When I do drop by her blog, I find myself encouraged and inspired. I need to start listening more. I have been talking so much all my life.

Give Me You

Dear Lord, teach me to be more like you. I do not want to pride myself in my abilities. You deserve the glory. This transition will no doubt be hard. Teach me humility and make me firm in character. Lead me and grow me in my spiritual stature so I will not be vulnerable and weak. I want to stand firm for you and be close to you despite worldly pressures. Let me hear your down-reaching voice as I listen sparingly to the external and internal voices in my life. Guard my heart and mind. Keep me near your gates and keep me safe from harm. Do not oh Lord, test me beyond what I can endure.

Promotion comes from you Lord. Give me a spirit of excellence.

A delay would be wise

Sometimes we want so much to say something but it isn’t the right time. There is a high possibility of negative reactions or it may even backfire if you didn’t wait. In this situation, I believe that the best thing to do is just wait and not be selfish. Many times I was impatient and it hurt the people I love so dearly. I need to remember that words that comes out from our mouth cannot be retracted. Words have the power to heal and to kill, to gratify and to put down. The tongue is sharper than a double-edged sword. We got to be wise how to say it and when, best with grace and empathy, also love.

But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison (James 3:8)

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble (Proverbs 21:23).

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18)

The day I slipped and fell, and still smile.

Oh, it’s so tiring today. Walked about 5 kilometres shall I say? I didn’t have a proper lunch and was starving by 6pm- got a bun from the shop and when I got back home, ordered my dinner and it came only after an hour! Did I mention I was starving? The boyfriend complained that I did not update him as I always did before this (I think he was meaning that with my campaign and all, I am getting really busy) and he misses me. Well, I missed him a lot too but I really didn’t have time to look at my handphone all the time. So to compensate, I gave him a surprise call today. Baby has begun his tight schedule for his studies. I really hope everything goes well for my campaign and his examination. Tomorrow is my D-DAY. Everything is getting better from two weeks ago when my entire team was rather broken from disagreements and prejudice. Urgh. I prayed with my cell group about this and yes, things has become better! Praise the Lord. I have also learnt to be more humble, to play a supportive role, to mix around by getting out of my comfort zone (instead of being that lone girl, observing if not doing the talking) to know and converse with others because I haven’t actually done a lot of that this three years I am here. I still have my temper when people behave distastefully. Distasteful to me is when they take things personal, internalize everything and treat you bad even though really, you did nothing wrong at all. When with these kinda people, I become very negative and then I burst! Bad! I need to learn self-control.

I forgot to mention, that my campaign is a 32 people team, organizing a go-green campaign! Awesome. Tiring but events are always fun and fulfilling- a month of preparation, a day event. Seeing everything we planned come together takes away the pain and aches for a moment 😀 I slipped and fell on a tiled floor earlier and it hurts 😦 I didn’t cry, of course! I didn’t know that I could still be in pain even though I have a cushion-y buttock.

I love my boyfriend, yo!

The Bitter Pill

I’ve been down and under lately, this week. Tired, stressed up and also, I really feel like giving up. I’ve tried so hard to change but I guess it is not enough, and I will never please everyone. It hurts me when people look at me with negative thoughts in their heads. It hurts that I was thrown into a new culture and people hate me for being different. It has even caused others to hate people around me. Many have come to me and apologized for misunderstanding my personality and character. And at that moment, I am relieved because it tells that I am not who they thought I was. I am just different, the way you are different from me.

I tried so hard, cried so hard these three years. I wanted to be accepted and to adapt and somewhere along the way I have lost myself. But I count it as gain for Jesus Christ. I will remember this phase of life- a blessing also a curse, made mistakes that I will regret for life but learned lessons that will remain in me for a long time. I hate hurt others and failed others so bad that I wish I hadn’t. But I cannot twist that little knob on my old tick tock to return and love them better.

Today, as I was writing in my prayer book, I told God to forgive me for being mean and unkind, less than thoughtful and hard headed. I cried because I failed Him in so many ways, disappointed Him and abandoned Him. I have become the night in people’s lives, a bitter pill they swallow. There are some individuals that I want to reconcile with. One at the top of my list has been a good friend to me and though she disappointed me time and again and hurt me, I still want to mend the brokenness. I have also been unkind to her. I promised my cell members to apologize and to make amends this week.

It hurts because I never felt I belong. My heart was never fully here. But I can tell you I tried. I quietly wish I was never here but I know this is good for me. The Lord never tests us beyond our limits.

This bitter pill is mine to swallow
Bad to the tongue, good for my soul

My sacrifice

Do I need to sacrifice for you
I have wanted this for so long
You promised me this chance
But now you’re taking it away

Do say that I am overreacting
Call me selfish, short-sighted
You don’t know what it means
So now I will give it up to you

Don’t ask me to do as you say
Because I will be independent
I will go away one day from you
Make choices only I will regret

Cut the slack and say no more
I’ll give what you dreamed of
I’ll move out for my freedom
From the torments in my mind

It’s a different Tony Bennett today

No thrill and excitement and it’s so predictable. I want surprises and good fun. There is no spontaneity. It must all be planned. Lots of commitments. No fun 😦 I want to be in a dream, to be a princess. To have my prince climb through my window. Looks like I won’t have it. It’s safe and predictable. I’m sad and disappointed. I should not expect anything. He doesn’t know because I didn’t tell him. Are all men like that? I want to be special. I don’t feel it. I should just go to bed and weave my perfect dream. Get a surrogate.